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Saturday, October 17, 2015 - 9 of Swords

This is the 2nd time this week that I got this card.

Today, it means something a little different.

1] I'm not feeling very good, that cold I've been fighting seems to be winning and my throat is sore as hell. I didn't get nearly as much done as I'd planned today because I basically slept on and off all day long. Although I did manage 2 1/2 loads of laundry.

2] I was feeling regret for not getting to know Zach better before he died. I mean, my sister isn't a fool, she wouldn't have married a loser. I just allowed my prejudices to make me blindly dislike him. I promised myself in April that I'd get to know him better...so we went out on his birthday and we had fun. Cliff even had made plans to go see the new minion movie with him when it came out. But...he died. I'm sorry Zach. I wish I'd gotten to know you better, I'm sorry if you felt the family didn't like you. I should have made a greater effort to include you and I will always regret that. Heather saw something in you and I should have trusted her instincts.

3]I was contemplating skipping work Monday if I wasn't feeling much better but I couldn't do that to Marissa, she's new and doesn't know how to do much and I'd jut have to work extra hard when I got back. I'm waiting for a reply to the fax I sent out for QA about the wrong $amt on a chargeback...what a pain in the ass. but I can't just let it sit on the back burner, not for almost $2000. worry worry worry

4] I want to go home and see my husband. I haven't seen him since Wednesday. I miss you Cliff.

My very first book review on Bubblews. I'm up to $5 now. Doesn't sound like much but it's passive income. I didn't have to work too hard to get it.
It's been rather hot and sticky these last few days and with the AC out we've all been miserable. Last night I came home and jumped straight into the shower - ahhh Heaven! - but only for maybe 40-50 minutes and then I was hot and sticky again. Slept in the all-together last night [that's nakie for those not in the know] for the first time in years.

Around 6:45 am I felt a significant change in the air currents and the internal temp of the house dropped 5 degrees. Outside is... cool. Feels absolutely exquisite!! Thank you God.

Checked the weather forecast and it's looking wonderful.  *sigh*

Work Blues

Tammy at work is beginning to really piss me off. I could hear her bitching and bellyaching from my desk even with my headphones on. How is her being 'buried' in work my problem or fault? She's complaining that we're caught up on our work and she isn't. WTF?? Maybe if  you'd do less talking and more typing you wouldn't be so far behind. I do the CMS notes when you bring them, I do the mail and the assigning list when Les needs help and I do the denial letters on top of my own work and we haven't missed a single SLA. So what is your damage? I did a little over 50 letters today so get the fuck off my back.

I know tomorrow we will have three very large days worth of work due but damn bitch, chill the fuck out. You're getting all pissy isn't going to help anyone get anything done. Just shut the fuck up and do your damn work. Period. THAT's how it gets done. No one has ever gotten their work done any faster by moaning and crying about it.

Les isn't much better. I'm glad they moved my desk so I don't have to be right across from her never ending moaning. "Oh I hope I get some terrible disease so I can die. I don't want to be here anymore..." cry me a fucking river you pathetic whiner and die already Jesus Christ. If I was your husband and I had to listen to you all day long I would have left you too. And she's two faced. She sides with Tammy and they commiserate together but as soon as Tammy is gone she's bad mouthing her. And I've heard her do the same thing to me. Bunch of vipers.

Listen Ladies, I am here to do my job and bring home a paycheck, not to listen to your sob stories or stroke your egos. I've had it with all of you! This girl is going to do her job and do it well and without complaint. THAT's what I'm here for. The rest of you can go take a flying leap.


I weighed myself this morning and I was 275! I was so happy, but unbelieving so I stepped on the scale again and had Cliff look at the numbers...when I bend over it always makes the numbers go up...but No it was still 275!
I am so happy! I've been trying to get past 280 forever and I think my day of fasting helped.

Today is another fast day and I will be fasting till 8p.m.

God, help me do this please! I'm tired of being fat and in pain. Exercise is still hard with my bad knees...help me help myself.

Maggie Leave It

Maggie did very well in her intermediate obediance class this Wednesday. The trainer had laid out the hall of temptation [alternating treats and toys along the hallway] and we were to practice 'Come when called with distractions'. More often then not, as long as it's not a pair of my underwear, socks or my husband's slippers, Maggie will listen when I tell her to 'Leave it'. That is IF I'm the one to put it on the ground [If it was already there she considers it fair game] but only if I'm standing right there.

Anyway the purpose of this exercise was to have her 'Leave it' while I'm 10 - 100 feet away. Maggie went first and I thought for sure that this would be an Epic Fail...but she proved me wrong. Yes, she ate the treats along the way, but she's a vacuum when it comes to treats anyway...BUT she didn't pick up ANY of the toys either going out with the trainer or when released to come to my call!! I'd yell 'Leave it' and she'd keep on running towards me. She did the best of all the big dogs in the class. Both the Lab/boxer and Bull Mastiff grabbed the first toy they came to on the way down the hall and it took a couple of minutes for their owners to get them to drop them. The only one that did slightly better than Maggie was Charlie a little dog of an unknown mix because he pretty much ignored all the toys...most of them were about half his size!

Maggie enjoys being in a class with bigger dogs, since we only had Chihuahuas in our beginners class, Maggie was never allowed off leash to play with them. In this class she gets a couple of minutes at the end to run with the big boys! But she doesn't know how to play with them...the two big dogs, Odin [lab mix] and Cesar [mastiff] know each other from beginners class and play happily, by wrestling. Odin will actually take Cesar's HEAD in his mouth! Maggie has no idea how to wrestle around like that and after a few minutes of trying to get them to play chase, a game she's good at She'll wander over to try to play with Charlie. Sadly he has a big dog complex and doesn't want to play with her. So Maggie goes from human to human looking for pets before going back once more into the fray.

I can't wait to take her to a dog park where she can spend more time playing with other dogs. She's 5 months old, fixed and has her rabies shots so she's good to go. It'll have to be on a Sunday afternoon though. We're past the Equinox and it's dark before we get home from work.  But I can't wait to take her!


First Fast

Well...I did it. I went without food from 8:30 p.m. Monday until 8:30 p.m. Tuesday. Not too bad. For a little while there I was feeling a little nauseous as I tend to get when I'm very hungry but I had 4 cups of hot Lipton Green Tea with Mandarin Oranges throughout the day. It soothed my tummy and I believe helped me feel full. I don't drink iced anything because my teeth are sensitive to the cold but I do like a nice hot drink.

I think I could realistically do this twice a week...I'll try at least for the month of October. Between the fasting and my trying to keep my calorie intake around 1500 a day I should be able to lose 5 lbs this month. If I don't I'll be pissed.

Here's to losing weight!!!  *cheers*


I've been reading up on fasting lately. There's a lot of stuff out there and some of it is contradicting. Starting in October I may start fasting one day a week...just to see what it's like and how hard it will be. My sister fasted not long ago on some Jewish holy day, I think it was Yom Kippur. Anyway, she's not Jewish but her husband is and since it's hard to fast when people all around you are eating, she decided to fast also to show her support. Way to go sis!

The thing is they[Jewish people] don't fast from morning to morning but from Sundown to Sundown. So I could eat dinner one night, sleep a good 8 or so hours, accidentally on purpose forget my lunch box at home and then simply eat a light dinner with my husband at night...and he'd be none the wiser. He's a little concerned with my interest in all things pro ana, even though I tell him there's no way I'm gonna go ape shit over the weight loss. I just want to get down to a healthy NORMAL weight. I don't want to look like a skeleton for god's sake. I want curves...I just don't want to be spherical...lol.

I did the math. If I was at my normal weight for my size [5'2"] which is around 120lbs. My BMR would be 1280.4 and that is what my body would burn on it's own just lying around all day. If I was sedentary I would multiply that number by 1.2 and that would be how many calories I would need to MAINTAIN my weight. If I was very active I'd multiply it by 1.9 which is 2432.76 but I'm not and even if I was I wouldn't want that many calories. I want to LOSE weight not maintain. I've been trying to keep my calorie intake to around 1500 - 1800 calories a day but this is going very slow...so I've been thinking about fasting.

I did the cabbage soup diet and lost 10 lbs in a week but the soup wasn't all that good [I'm not a great cook, I'll admit it and soup has never been my forte] If I actually found a way to make the soup better I might try it again.


Exercise Set Back

In the beginning of August I began going to physical therapy for my osteoarthritis and my therapist asked if I had an exercycle at home. I do somewhere but I have no room for it upstairs and my bad knees keep me from going down into the basement. On top of that the butt and crotch pain I felt from using the bike made me really REALLY not want to use the damn thing.

However, I used to have a small desk cycle that I'd lent to Jackie at work. Well I asked for it back, after apologizing profusely. And have been riding it ever since...that is until tonight when it broke. I was watching an episode of the Bill Engvall show on Youtube just pedaling away when BaM! The rod for the pedals broke off. It was a clean break too...looks like it was sawed in two...perhaps the friction was too much or the heat? It does tend to get hot to the touch after I've been riding it for awhile.

Now how the hell am I gonna lose weight. Cycling in my office chair was easy on my poor butt and fun because I can do it without too much fuss while playing at the computer. Exercise while watching youtube videos or playing texas hold'em what could be better!

I've got to get a new one but it will have to wait until after the 4th. [next pay day]


Baby Step 2

My next baby step has been a lot harder but it will be one of the most important ones on my journey to a happy, healthier me...

DON'T EAT OUT [as much]

I eat out way too much, especially since I got married. This is bad for my waistline but also for my budget. I did the math once and I was shocked to see how much I spent on eating out. And I really only do it when I'm with Cliff, because he's the driver. I was a pedestrian before I met him...still am technically because I still don't know how to drive...but now I have a chauffeur.

I was doing well for the first part of the month. We only went out twice and I managed to have a little over $70 left in my banking account when my next pay day came around. Most of the time I'm lucky not to go negative. Or else I end up with only a few bucks to my name and I'm praying no bills come through before the next pay day. The second half of the month...like this past week...we ate out a lot. Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday. God dammit why did I cave in!

But I will be strong. I know I can do it. This will be the absolute hardest part of my entire weight loss program. But I plan on setting aside all the money I save by not eating out towards some cool reward or maybe a new wardrobe! Or a dutch bike... something cool and far into the future.

Once or maybe twice a month...and only paying for myself...Way too often I end up paying for both me and my husband and that shit just isn't fair. I pay for the mortgage, utilities, and groceries all by myself. I think he could fend for himself once in a while. Often he'll say I can transfer money from his account into mine to cover his half but more often than not there's nothing for me to transfer over cause he's gone through all of his money already and then I forget to do it and don't remember exactly what his share was. Wow...talk about a run on sentence. whew.

Anyway...say it with me!   DON'T EAT OUT!!

Maybe October will be my no eat out month. I can try!



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